OK, busted, this post is obviously a little tongue in cheek but I genuinely do believe that distraction is a good way of bringing down those cortisol levels induced by Miss EEE’s crying. For me the sound of my baby crying has been one thing sure to send my anxiety levels rocketing! If you’re anything like me, even if you know your pride and joy is perfectly safe and being comforted by your partner or another care giver, hearing them cry is simply unbearable and I don’t think I should apologise for that but it is important to find ways to manage this anxiety.
It was while stress eating, mercilessly, through sleep training, that I stumbled on certain foods which are great for drowning out Miss EEE’s Pterodactyl like cries. I should point out, Mr E was taking the lead in comforting her while I indulged my tummy. She is now 8 months old and at the moment, touch wood, she’s sleeping through. Who knows how long this will last. Sometimes I think these little humans are mini evil geniuses who like to lull their parents into a false sense of security just for shits and giggles before – BAM – they wake in the middle of the night screaming full pelt, for no good reason, like angry pre-historic gremlins! I’m now stocked up on these trusty noise cancelling foods for when that happens next.
1) For the health conscious Mama – Apples
OK, so I’m going to fess up… as I feel my blood pressure rise when Miss EEE cranks up the volume of an evening, the humble apple just doesn’t cut it for me in the stress reducing stakes but it does score an impressive 10 out of 10 on the crunch-ability noise cancelling test.
2) For the “just make it stop” Mama – Crisps
This is my fail safe. Yes I know, full of trans fats and salt but oh so good at immediate gratification with every – little – crunch! If you reach the bottom of the pack and your bundle of joy still has the volume cranked to 100, then you can scrunch the packet like a mad woman for a bonus rustle, prolonging the noise muffling until you can get to the cupboard and reach for another loud snack.
3) For the entertaining guests Mama – Cheese & Crackers
Imagine the seen… You’ve got bedtimes nailed, you smugly invite friends over for a dinner party in a faux, “I’m a grown up now” style which, in reality, is actually just code for, “Our baby has us trapped like princesses in the tower of sleep training doom, please be our friends”. You smile and chuckle as your guests exclaim, “you’re such chill parents”. Ha! You have everyone fooled. You rejoice that you have reclaimed the evenings as “adult time” where you can eat, drink and be merry with friends once again. Then, at that PRECISE moment, the baby wakes.
You hold your breath.
Alas, it’s no good. Baba is screaming out an unwanted, drunken-karaoke, baby babble rendition of, “it’s my party and I’ll cry if I want to”. No, no, no! It is not your party baby! It’s Mummy and Daddy’s “chilled parents” party!!! What do you do? How do you maintain that cool parent vibe that you have just been awarded? You get the big guns out that’s what…
Phase one – you send your partner in with the “sshhhhhhhs” – nothing to see here baby.
Phase two – you crack out the cheese course early and get crunching on those crackers!!!! Not yet on dessert? No problem, substitute crudités or breadsticks. Just remember to smile and look “chill” in front of your reclaimed baby-less friends.
4) For the given up all hope Mama – Wine
Ok, I’m not condoning daily nap time mid-afternoon drinking and 1950s housewife squeals of, “it’s six o’clock somewhere”! Nor am I condoning being drunk in charge of a child.
All I’m saying is, sometimes, when you’ve had a shitty long arse day. When the baby just won’t settle and there’s nothing wrong with her. When you’ve eaten all the crunchy snacks in the world and you caved on the sleep training hours ago, hoping that a cuddle might just be all that your, “little darling” (through clenched teeth), wanted, to no effect. Then, SOMETIMES, the best solution to quieten the noise MIGHT be a moderately sized glass of wine. Pour one glass, step away from the bottle and enjoy a guilt free drop of wine once in a while. You deserve it Mama – you’re a super hero!